In the Victorian Period (don't forget I have a PhD in lit with a specialty in the Victorians--it has to bubble up to the service periodically) . . . As I was saying, in the Victorian period, there was a crisis of faith.  Some was due to discoveries made by science, including Darwin, some was because of a rapidly changing and frightening world, some was because of Really Bad Things happening culturally (depressions, wars, poverty, disease, etc.).  What this crisis of faith amounted to was a concern about the nature of god (ontology of god, for those of you who are theory freaks like me).

Always, it had been assumed that god was all of the following:

omniscient
omnipotent
benevolent (okay, not always--think puritans and calvinists at least, but for our Victorians, yes, god had been benevolent)

But with the crisis of faith, people began to wonder if god really was all those things.  What if he wasn't?  Which god would you prefer?  One that knows everything and is all powerful, but doesn't like us; one that is all knowing and likes us, but can't do dog snot about anything; one that is all powerful and likes us, but doesn't know anything?  This was, in a nutshell, the Victorians' dilemma.  And by the end of the period, you get Thomas Hardy's Hap, a poem that wishes for a 'vengeful' god, because at least the narrator would know there was some reason behind all the bad stuff, but in the end, the narrator knows it's all dumb luck.  And then of course, a bit later, you get Yeats' Second Coming:  "What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"  (that one sans line breaks because I only remember the text.)  

So what does this have to do with Dell customer service?  Well, clearly, when it comes to their own products, they are either not all knowing, not all powerful, or not benevolent.  I'm not entirely which, despite the ostensible politeness.  

So let me give you the short and dirty story (which is still far too long, and in progress).

Remember that the computer motherboard went south early in October.  I called on Friday the sixth and they were drop shipping a motherboard, would be here on Monday.  Showed Tuesday.  I thought (and this pertains later in the story) that it was because of Columbus Day.  But it wasn't.  More later.  Then the tech didn't get here until Thursday at 5:30, after me calling Dell at least twice to ask why hasn't the tech called and scheduled since that's what you promised?  But the tech's routing department was postponing because they expected to get the part, not me.  Oh, wonderful communication and confusion!  Or is it malevolence?  Is god benevolent really?

Okay, so then the result was a bubble in my keyboard and deck and this tremendously annoying chirping sound when I typed--it sounded like morse code, or when I got fast, a geiger counter in a Chernobyl.  Every keystroke was a chirp.  The tech couldn't fix it--he thought it was a hardware problem (Bryce was an extremely good guy and very helpful, whose hands, feet and every other bit of him were tied by Dell, who didn't really seem to trust him, cause, yanno, it wouldn't do to trust someone you actually hire to do a job for you.

So Bryce called Dell who didn't believe him.  They wanted to talk to me. So I called.  And of course, went through all kinds of stupid stupid stupid stupid annoying rigamoraloe on the phone just to get to tech support, including listening to speeches about battery recalls, and having the voice recognition software be incredibly useless in its ability to oh, recognize a clearly stated yes or no!  And then we spent an hour or more doing some tests.  And I can't remember it all, but during that week, I spoke to wilson, roger, ron, Devon, Steven, Jim, and a couple of others (99% of whom were from India, making me wonder if Dell had made them use more Americanized names in order to make customers feel more comfortable.)  

In the end, they finally, FINALLY, decided to check the Bios, and then quick said they were sending a new motherboard and keyboard, leading me to conclude that indeed, the problem was they sent me a faulty keyboard.  So they sent it.  Drop shipped it on Monday they said.  Would be here Tuesday.  It wasn't.  They actually sent it Tuesday.  Overnight.  Didn't get here Weds.  Didn't get here Thursday.  You guessed it, that put me back on the phone in all my copious spare time to find out where the f*ck it was.  Mind you, during all these calls, I got cut off several times, and they didn't call back as they claimed they would, or if they did, it was past the five or ten minutes I decided was long enough before I called back.  (insert juvenile namecalling here).

Well, and the problem turned out that they only ship with DHL, and DHL only comes to my town on Tuesdays and Fridays.  Yep.  They didn't know it.  They didn't check.  They just made more empty promises (again, that whole, is it that they don't know? are powerless?  Or don't care--or malevolent?)  So finally arrives and Bryce returns (but they tried to keep him from returning--wanted to send someone else who had no experience with my system and all that had been going on which pissed me off--though I remained consistently polite throughout this, if only because I figure ranting wasn't going to get me anywhere.)

And the new motherboard and keyboard seemed to work.  No more chirping.  But.  Now the computer won't power on.  Oh, wait, it powers up for about 2-5 seconds, at which time it dies.  So, back on the phone.  Oh, I couldn't possibly have gotten two bad motherboards.  Dell would never send crap parts.  Yeah right.  The only thing changed about my computer has been the stupid motherboards so guess what folks, it ain't likely it's anything else.  But after spending another two hours on the phone, the upshot is that I'm sending it back to be 'fixed.'

But remember the DHL problem.  The support guy is promising they can have it picked up on Saturday.  I say, no you can't.  He finally gets DHL on the phone to prove it, and they read him a riot act saying he can't promise stuff that DHL doesn't do because they only come to my town on Tuesdays and Thursdays and saying otherwise only pisses off the customer.  (yeah, does).  So his hands are tied he says.  Can't use UPS or FEDEX.  Have a contract with DHL, aren't willing to actually do any customer service to expedite matters.  I'm a writer?  Need to have the computer?  Ah, pshaw, still, nope, can't, won't, ain't gonna do it.  But we love you.  We want you to keep being a loyal customer.  Look!  I'll send you a polite email saying how much we value you.  And you can email back and we'll answer!  Except they don't.  Because I have.  And they have ignored me.  Or lost it.  Or don't know about it.  Or can't do anything about it.  

So who knows how long I'll be without the laptop.  They certainly don't know, and then if they ship it overnight on a Thursday, it will get here . . . Tuesday.  

Here's something even more ironic.  When I first blogged about the problem with Dell, when I was feeling dewy eyed and hopefull and with a belief that indeed they would be doing real customer service instead of talking politely a lot without doing anything (hey--maybe they are the creches for all politicians!) a dell rep read this blog and emailed that he wanted to help.  I emailed back.  Have I heard back from him?  Oh, no.  Because again, they only wanted me to think they actually cared.  But when push comes to shove and they actually have to respond to my needs, nope.  Don't wanna and don't haveta.

Another ironic thing.  They've sent two motherboards, a keyboard, paid for overnight shipping though they didn't get it, spent probably 10-12 hours with me on the phone, not to mention the five hours the tech spent here, and now I'm shipping it back to them, also "overnight."  And then a tech and testing will happen and then they'll ship it back.  Does this make sense?  I mean, why not just replace the damned thing, get me up and running fast (and make me believe that god cares, is capable and knowing)?  It would be CHEAPER.  Really.  It would be.  And they still may have to replace it if they can't fix it.